Dear Sophia,
I don't think Christmas will ever feel the same. While there's always moments of excitement, joy and laughter. They come with the bittersweetness of you being the missing piece, the what If's and how it should be. I should have two children singing jingle bells with me, I've enjoyed imagining you being here when your brother sings his Christmas songs!
This year is 4 Christmas' without you and while my heart still yearns, I've definitely become more able to live with the grief I carry. Letting you in my thoughts during happy moments, feeling that bittersweetness that always brings my heart gratitude for also having you and your little brother.
Recently I've not got the balance right at all in motherhood. I blame starting back into a new job and trying to adjust to life with the many new aspects. Again, it takes time to find balance and I know it'll come again with time so I remain patient with myself because even in my busiest moments I think of you.
Christmas will be a time where I will find time to slow down. We always encourage people to work, take up a hobby. Distractions are good we say. But being too busy with too many distractions can affect us in a negative way, I'm mindful of how I will need to slow down, to let moments of missing you happen and also allow myself to feel joy in your brothers laughter. You have taught me so much and I'm putting a lot of what I've learned on my own healing journey into this new job.
Thank you for all the gifts of knowledge little one and always guiding me to where I need to be.
Wishing you a happy heavenly Christmas. I've placed your photo on the candle piece I made at this year's feileacain workshop. Your candle is lit and you are very much with us as you always are.
Love you to the moon and back,
Forever and Always,
Your mammy
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