I've seen a lot of pregnancy announcements lately. Someday's I can't look, other days I'm able to embrace them. I find the ones of late are easy to hear about because their babies will be due in 2021 whereas Sophia was a 2020 baby.
I don't know what it is but other babies born in 2020 just allow my heart to break all over again. I'm reminded of everything I should have right now but don't. I'm reminded of the glimpse of happiness I got but I now have empty arms. It makes me feel awful because I do feel jealous sometimes, and I know I'm only jealous because I should have my baby, my jealousy is valid in this case. On good days I can look at photos of other 2020 baby's but only for a short time before I cry. I can embrace your 2020 baby for only a few minutes, but don't expect me to jump for joy when my 2020 baby was taken from me!
Now don't get me wrong, I'm delighted for all the little babies that are born in 2020 and I'm delighted for the mummy's and daddy's but my reality is Sophia should be here with me too! The baby's born later into 2020 I'm finding it easier to look at, perhaps because Sophia was born nearly 6 months ago. I would've had a tot right now, not a newborn! I can only imagine the little messer she would've been!
But I want to spread positivity and some of my advice to those who may be pregnant and are reading this blog. I've told myself since losing Sophia that I will never stress in pregnancy again! I will remind myself that things happen out of our control and to enjoy every single moment with my bump! Now I'm asking you to do the same, whatever you're feeling at the moment, bring it back to the present, and embrace that little life inside you.
If you find yourself stressing about the future, take yourself back to the present, feel your bump, let them know you love them and create memories with your baby! Whether you go for a walk around a park or listen to certain songs with your baby, this is what's important! This is what you should focus on!
There is no safe mark in pregnancy, I'm proof of that! So don't heed advice from people telling you not to buy items or announce your pregnancy. Everything I bought for Sophia brings me joy because they're all I have left of her, so to me they're important. Now I didn't have nursery things but I bought lots of baby grows which my mum has stored away for me until my future rainbow baby. Baby grows that were Sophias and will someday be my other baby's. I do wish I had bought more and heeded people less. Note to self for my next pregnancy!!
Reality is there is no way of preparing for loss, and instead of people advising we keep quiet, we should really be telling people to celebrate that little one and every moment because that is what's important! It would also lessen the stressors for pregnant women and help them stay in the present instead of worrying about the future or chances of loss!! It's so important you're kind to yourself during pregnancy, you're an amazing mummy who is trying to protect her bump. Embrace every minute, make memories and continue to love. If you find stress in your life, ask yourself how you can take time away from that stress to be in the present with your baby!
There is no stress like the stress of losing your child, so any other stress if your pregnant is not worth it at all! Even COVID 19, trust me, not worth it! Don't be stressed. Be safe, and remember to stay in the present.
If you're pregnant I do want to say congratulations and enjoy it. I may struggle on days to look at the happiness around your blessing, please excuse that. I am grieving the loss of my baby and I need to protect myself from hurt on bad days. If you're like me and you're on a lonely journey but you are someday hoping for a rainbow baby, I'm with you, you are not alone! If you're a loss mother and the thoughts of having another baby is too frightening, so you choose to not have a rainbow baby, I get that too. Just remember to live life for you whatever the case. For now, we stay in our present with our baby in our hearts, every single one of us. As always I'm smiling for Sophia.
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