Dear Sophia,
I can't believe it's been over 30 months since I held you tightly in my arms. My heart still aches and my arms still long for the chance to hold you again. Your little brother is 18 months old now and is doing absolutely amazing despite his prematurity. Every day he has a new word and with each new milestone that I celebrate with him, there's a shadow of sadness that you're not here too. I wish you could both be here to play together and teach each other.
I've come to accept this shadow of sadness and embrace it because that space where I'm missing you is natural and it makes you a part of these special moments. I know you'd be proud of me for embracing it.
Your mama has felt a bit lost at times. Navigating motherhood has been difficult, there's been a lot of biting my tongue when people dismiss your existence and other braver times where I will mention you and embrace the sometimes awkwardness that comes with that. I've begun a journey for myself because I feel I have changed so much since losing you that I'm unsure who I really am sometimes. Like I'm definitely not as empathetic as I once would've been, a lot of my morals and values have changed since losing you. Life hasn't been easy, even these days we seem to still get bad news and we're really waiting to catch a break.
But I've done a lot of reflecting which I know you'd be proud of, reflecting on who I used to be and who I really feel I am today. One change in me since having you is I've become more ambitious in life. I think the butterfly garden idea is just one example of that and there are moments I'm amazed at the fact that I was only 3 months into my grief when I began that project.
Looking back I think about how I really should be crediting myself to have been in the depths of grief and doing something like that, just three months into grief. Your mummy still remains very ambitious thanks to you.
The confidence I once had after you though has definitely lessened. It's something mummy is going to work on because after having you my self-esteem was at its peak. 30 months later and it has been worn down and grated by people constantly going against my ideas and making me second guess myself.
But I trust in your guidance and I know what comes in the future was meant to be. It's just amazing how much my life vision has changed because of you.
While pregnant with you we were house hunting in Dublin and had looked into creches there. When we lost you that all changed. Your baby brother was born and I knew we had to move to Mayo because I learned the importance of true support being close by. It's been hard though because career wise there are not as many opportunities here for your mummy so she's decided to be ambitious again and while she works on this ambitious dream she'll also work on building her confidence back up because, for you and your baby brother I need to be confident in myself, I need to be able to teach you both to be more like daddy in not caring about other's opinions because other's opinions are what's knocked mummy's confidence down. I need you both to believe in yourselves because you can do amazing things and mummy is proof of that.
That's life at the moment for me little one, I love and miss you as always. I hope you're having fun in heavens playground. I like to imagine you giggling with friends playing, the same way I watch your little brother do here. I strongly believe you'd have my hair colour now too since your little brother definitely has mama's hair colour!! Keep watching over us and guiding me in the unknowing moments as you always do. I trust in you and love you to the moon and back. Forever and Always.
Your mama x
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