As Baby Loss Awareness month comes to an end next week I wanted to do a blog post on how certain charities have helped me. Charities I may have heard of before Sophia but I had no real idea of how much they actually do for the bereaved parent.
First I want to talk about Féileacáin. When we held Sophia for the first time after giving birth the midwife asked us do we want a purple memory box or a yellow one. I chose yellow because as most people know Yellow is my favourite colour, I think Sophia would've liked it too. She opened the box and told us what it was about. A memory box provided by Féileacáin. The midwife who delivered Sophia asked us if we'd like her to make inked footprints and handprints. She took Sophia and did this for us. Once we got back to the main ward where I rested, the bereavement midwife came into us. She opened our memory box to make sure everything we needed was there. Inside there was a small box, she took clippings of Sophia's hair which we have kept in that box. In another she showed us lip balm, the lip balm would help keep Sophia's lips from drying out. We applied it two to three times a day. Two small teddy bears were in the box, one that would be with Sophia and one with us, the teddy would then hold our scents and as we laid Sophia in her coffin, we exchanged teddy's so that we'd have her scent with us and she would have ours.
Two pendants were also in the box, one pendant I attached to soft ribbon and tied it around Sophia's wrist and placed the pendant near her heart, the other I attached to my claddagh chain and I wear proudly every day as a reminder that we are always together. As well as that there was a record book, where we could write about our baby and a supports book to remind us we are not alone. The bereavement midwife also brought in clay where she helped us to imprint Sophia's hand and feet. These prints again provided by Féileacáin.
All these things that Féileacáin provided to us are special keepsakes, things we wouldn't have thought about in the height of our grief and things that now while we miss Sophia reminds us of the beautiful girl we had. The most important gift Féileacáin provided was a Cuddle Cot. The Cuddle Cot we had in Mayo was sponsored by a precious little baby girl named Amy-Kate. I remember me and Dan saying how sad we were for Amy-Kate's family but how thankful we were to AmyKate for providing us with the gift of time with our Sophia. The Cuddle Cot allows keeping the body cool, preserving it and allowing more time for parents and family members to make memories. In total, we got 4 days with our Sophia and through Amy-Kate I got to meet the most wonderful lady, her mother Anita who has been a fantastic support to me in the past 6 months. When I did Sophia's one month fundraiser online I had hoped to be able to sponsor a cuddle cot so Sophia could give the gift of time however I was told Ireland had enough cuddle cots and so our fundraiser went towards clay prints and memory boxes which are also important keepsakes.
Even after burying your child Féileacáin still offer supports through counselling. Parents receive a tealight holder candle with their baby's name on it. They hold events such as Wave of Light. I remind you all of this is free and made possible through fundraisers and donations.
A Little Lifetime Foundation (ALLF) is another charity who provided support to us. We received a journal and key ring. The keyring Dan has attached to his car keys. The teddy bear has a hole in the shape of a heart. The heart was put into Sophia's hand where she will forever hold it. I kept the journal, where I wrote poetry and thoughts down especially in the early days. ALLF also have a magazine that they publish twice a year, I was asked to write for the next edition so If you subscribe to them you'll see my articles.
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS), this charity is so important and yet I had never heard of them until I lost Sophia. NILMDTS is a charity that provides voluntary photographers to come into the hospital and capture precious professional photographs of families. Unfortunately with COVID 19, we did not receive this but we were given contact details to send photographs too and they would edit and make them look professional. Our bereavement midwife did however bring in her own Nikon camera where she took photos of us together as a family. She captured the first moments with Sophia and printed them off immediately for us to have. NILMDTS is a charity not often spoke about, but extremely important. A few weeks back Chrissy Teigan had posted her photos with her baby Jack. Raw photos that showed pain and love together. Society's reaction was to shame Chrissy and tell her she was attention-seeking and that such a thing is private. I ask the question if their baby Jack had survived would that be the reaction? Sad thing is us bereaved parents know it wouldn't be the reaction, and so we miss out on the reactions our baby also deserves.
So here is the real reason why photos are so important to me. In the early day's after loss, I felt crazy. There were days my body begged me to feed a baby I could not. As time went on my brain began to tell me maybe I never had a baby, but then I looked at the photos and it reminded me that Sophia was real. A lot of people would've looked at Sophia as being a pregnancy loss, often they don't think about the fact we had an actual child. Photograph's of Sophia show people that we had a baby, that Sophia existed. The most important thing to parents is for people to acknowledge their child's existence, photograph's help with this. Photograph's hold memories, pick up the emotions and help us to never forget a single wrinkle on a little toe. We take photograph's when all babies are born, just because our babies have passed doesn't mean we shouldn't take photos and show that to the world. I show people photo's of Sophia not to purposely make them uncomfortable, although sometimes I have thought of it! But I show them because being Sophia's mother makes me proud.
But again, if Sophia had survived people would look to see photographs of her. But because she passed away, she was a pregnancy loss, people don't ask. People don't want to get uncomfortable when if someone actually asked me to see a photograph of Sophia I know it'd make my day because again I'm proud and I love nothing more than my little girl. A reminder that if you want me to smile just mention Sophia because I always smile for her.
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