And it's here! A month I have dreaded this new year, a month I've wished I could just forget about! A month that brings me so much fear. You see that's what trauma does to someone.
As I notice triggers around my grief changing, I also noticed since the end of January my anxiety increasing. In most cases, you'd be worried right? But not me, because I know exactly why it's happening. In the past two years, there have been two traumatic experiences for me that both occurred in March.
The loss of Sophia in 2020.
Developing Septicemia resulted in the premature delivery of our rainbow by over 8 weeks because both his life and mine was at risk in 2021.
I've got to be honest, I am terrified something horrible will happen this month. But why wouldn't I be when in the past two years I have faced heartbreak and fear at its peak! Catastrophic thinking occurs as a response to past experiences, the difference I have is I'm not thinking of anything bad in particular that might happen. I just fear the month of March.
Don't get me wrong I have a lot to look forward to but I also have a lot of sadness and anxiety this month! My mind wishes I would just sleep through it, avoid it if possible but the reality is our fears and anxiety pass and this month shall pass too. I'm looking at different distractions as a result like Sophia and Samson's birthday. Trying to plan a celebration for them will probably be the most therapeutic way to combat the fear I've felt. I've also begun using my 54321 grounding technique again which I would've used a lot in the early days of my loss. I'll post what the grounding technique involves on my social media so others can benefit too.
The most important thing I'm going to do though is taking it one day at a time, minute by minute on the heavier grief days! So while I look forward to the birthdays this month brings including my dad's ( there's no wonder Sam loves his grandad!!) I also look forward to possibly getting our marriage license this month and of course mother's day (even though I have some anxiety around this day too as we lost Sophia the day after mother's day in 2020.)
I'll remind myself this month to stay kind to my mind, to take each day bit by bit and to remember that despite all the horrible things we've faced, we also got to learn how to love and found true happiness in the month of March, so I'll look to those moments to get me through this month.
So while my thoughts say "Can we just skip March?" I could never skip my baby's birthdays or avoid watching daffodils and tulips bloom!! Both my baby's will be celebrated this month and that's a promise I will always keep!!! So let's see what this March brings, we'll smile through it as we always do.
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