"Imagine if she had lived longer it'd be much harder to deal with." "At least you're young and you'll have another one."
At first I reply, yes that's true. But almost immediately my brain tells me I've just lied because it's not true. It's hard for people to realise the pain that comes with pregnancy loss, in my case stillbirth. Sophia died in the womb, so people think it's easier to deal with, easier to "get over it" because Sophia "never really existed". It's easy for them, they never met Sophia or the person she would have become. But for me, I have the 7 months that I carried her, the months that changed my life for the better. I have all the hopes and dreams that came with carrying Sophia for these 7 months, hopes and dreams that were just taken from me. The hopes and dreams included what I envisioned Sophia would've become but that was taken away from me.
My response to the idea of Sophia living longer is "I would have loved to see the colour of her eyes, her beautiful smile. I would have loved to hear her giggle, to hear her cry. I would have loved to have spent time where she could see her mummy and I could care for her the normal way. I would have loved to have a baby to feed when my body longed to nurture but I got empty arms. I would have loved to have seen who Sophia would have become but I can only imagine, so it hurts that I have lost more than people will ever be able to comprehend."
We compare grief a lot and I think that's down to wanting to "fix" the pain that comes with losing someone we love. Nothing can fix what's happened, nothing will fix my heartbreak but the love I have for Sophia will help my heart mend more every day. As I've said previously and I do feel like I am repeating myself. All grief is unique, no one grieves the same. So there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We need to stop comparing grief for this reason. No one gets over a loss, we learn to live with it. I can tell you though the heartbreak I felt losing Sophia was a different kind, with the other losses I could feel my heart mend through reflecting on memories but with Sophia's, there's a hole that will never be filled because a part of me is forever missing. I will learn to live with this because I have no choice. But I will live with it my way and that is celebrating the love I have for Sophia and so I will continue to speak about her even if others "are over it".
I will always be grateful that Sophia didn't have to face pain. I remind myself that because Sophia passed in my womb all she knew was comfort, warmth and love. This is what people need to remind me or listen to me say. That reminds me that Sophia existed, that she was so loved. That is what is important to me and always will be. I miss out on who Sophia was going to be, I miss out on seeing her eyes or her smile but I can hold onto the fact my baby girl was loved by me and I did a good job protecting her.
So I'm going to try to stop comparing grief, I hope you will try too. I know it's hard because we're human, we want everyone to smile and never feel pain but pain is inevitable with losing a loved one. It's time we encourage people to feel and help them heal, just listen to us vent. (Blog is great for that). We need to accept the pain people face and instead of fixing it, we need to remind them of the love that's there and all the positive things that came with that little person. Most importantly we just need someone who will listen, and celebrate in our little one's life with us.
I'm smiling for Sophia because she's making her mummy realise things that most 26 year olds would never realise and that's just another reason why I love her.
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