I haven't written anything in a while. I guess it's because I've been unsure how to word things lately. I've been frightened of people thinking I'm "ungrateful" or misunderstanding me in my grief.
While I've been living a dream with my rainbow baby, I've faced battles against my thoughts. I know Sophia is a gift to me because she has given me little Samson, our furbaby Gurgi and my butterfly garden family. These are things that might not have come about without her. But it's hard to be greatful when I still lost her, the same way it's hard to be sad when I can't help but smile at my son.
You see the battles I've been facing are times when I've held Samson smiling to only be hit with deep grief for my daughter. When pushing the pram around main street Swinford proudly, to be hit with the thoughts that Sophia also should have been pushed around proudly. To have all my first motherly milestones met with this should have been with Sophia.
My immediate thought has always been to forget about the grief and be more greatful for Samson as that's what I imagine people saying to me. But the reality is gratitude and grief do co-exist.
I can proudly push my son in the pram while missing my daughter. I can smile and watch my son get professional photo's done while wishing Sophia had the same opportunity. I'm learning to balance the two rather than picking one over the other. Why? Because both lives matter to me.
Since having Samson, the hardest part has been the question "Is this your first?" A question I've been asked so many times that I've lost count. Including people asking if it's the "first grandchild".
At times, having no energy to explain, I have just said yes. While it may be hard to say this, sometimes I just have to choose my battles and Sophia would be proud that I'm starting to learn that.
The nicest part is being able to see Sophia's features in Samson. Being able to read and sing to him, watching him smile with his big eyes and soothing him when he cries. I'm embracing him entirely while holding Sophia in my heart.
A lot of people have commented on having a newborn leading to sleepless nights. My honesty is, I much prefer the sleepless nights of trying to soothe my boy's cries over the sleepless nights I've experienced after losing Sophia. Nights longing to hold my daughter and being unable to stop my tears. Samson is a blessing, because to live life is a gift and Sophia has taught me that.
So while I carry a baby in my heart and another in my arms, I embrace my grief with my gratitude and I smile for my babies.
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