When I lost Sophia I remember questioning life itself. Maybe it's because as they told me her heart had stopped beating, I felt as if mine did too. As if they were telling me I had died. I remember in the early days of grief telling Dan that I would have given my life for hers and that she deserved to live. Part of me didn't want to live because it meant living without her. Anyone who has been in those deep stages of grief will understand it, where you can't comprehend why they had to go, why it was you that got to stay. Life itself seems too unfair and the pain is so unbearable you wish you didn't have to feel it anymore.
Eight months on and reflecting back I don't know how I got out of feeling that way. Yes, I still cry and know it's unfair. Yes, I still would give my life for hers but isn't that every mother that exists. Doesn't every mother want to do everything in their power for their babies? The first two months I worked a lot on keepsakes, printing photographs, and just talking. Talking about how unfair it was, how I now had a label as a bereaved mother, how I didn't know how to live because I knew I had changed. Hope was so hard to find. People would say "You're young, you'll have more." But all I wanted was Sophia and people to tell me that life was unfair, that Sophia did deserve to live because isn't that the truth.
Two months approached I remember saying to Dan why do we wait for things in life when life can be so short and unfair. That's when I said to Dan I didn't care anymore that we just rent a place, we're getting a dog and that's it. We stress over the littlest things and stop ourselves doing things we'd love when life is about living not just existing!! So we went on the hunt for our pooch. Funnily enough, my aunty also got her pooch Coco around the same time. On Sophia's two month anniversary we got the phone call to say little Gurgi was all ours if we'd like him. I was actually at Sophia's grave when we got the phone call and felt it was a gift from her.
I've always been a huge dog lover, I've had dogs all my life and the only time I haven't is the seven years I've spent in Dublin! When I saw him he ran straight to me and I knew Sophia had sent him to look after me. I still felt hopeless but slowly I began to find hope again as he laid on my laps and looked for attention 24/7. He brought that feeling back that I was needed as a mother. That Sophia needed me to be a mother in any way I can, a mother to her but also to our furbaby Gurgi.
When I cried he sat with me. The loneliness began to disappear and tears began to last for just a short time because let's face it Gurgi's face is too cute to not smile. Definitely why Sophia chose him!!
But no one had told me to get a dog, people believed I'd be fine especially when I have another baby. But as I've said before Sophia is not replaceable. I will always be sad that I lost my daughter, that's life now, I'm not one for sugar coating. But Gurgi brought hope back, not just for me but for my entire family. I can see the change in Dan when he plays with Gurgi, I can see the change even in my parents when Gurgi ran havoc in their home. He lifted our spirits, he makes us laugh and smile. Gurgi brought more hope than I thought could be possible after losing your baby. Maybe that's why I'm a believer that everyone needs a dog because they're not just dogs. They are loyal furry dependables who love you unconditionally and all they want is love back. They become family, comforters, and they are bringers of hope.
I always smile for Sophia but I smile for Gurgi too.
P.S. We got Gurgi's name from The Black Cauldron, a Walt Disney Movie for those who may wonder.
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