In the moments I lost Sophia quickly I had learned how delicate life is, how lucky any of us are to be given a chance to live at all. There's no such thing as a glass half empty or half full to me. If you've a glass, big, small, half empty, half full you should be grateful because there are many little ones who never got that chance.
Before I lost Sophia I would say things like "time will ease all" and "they're in a better place now." But losing Sophia taught me that time doesn't ease any pain, we adjust and learn to live with it. I learned that while it's great to think they're in a better place, the reality is there is no better place than to be with us, the people who love them the most.
Losing Sophia taught me how naive we can be as people. It also taught me how much you can miss being naive, how simple life really was back then.
I've learned how judgemental we can be and how isolating it feels to be a bereaved parent.
I have learned the importance of time with family. How valuable these moments are and how quick they can be taken from us.
I learned to truly embrace the good with the bad emotions. To allow gratitude into my heart while I also grieve and allow sadness and anger in too when I need to.
It's fair to say I've learned a lot just by losing my little girl. And while I don't believe "life does these things to teach us lessons. " I do believe that things happen in life that are out of our control, and how we cope through these things is what teaches us. "
What I wish people knew is that I was once you.
I once believed parents can try to forget about their baby because they didn't really live, that it's easy to move on and that no way would I ever be someone to lose a baby myself . While I cringe at the fact I thought this, the reality is I thought this because it's what society tells us and this is where the stigma comes from.
What I wish I knew was that you can lose a perfectly healthy pregnancy and that you might hear the words, "it's rare but it happens" and "you'll never know why."
What I wish I knew was the depths of love that exists between mother and child, and once death occurs the intense heartbreak that's physically felt. In my early days of grief I remember each day telling Dan I didn't think I could survive. It wasn't a mental health thing, it was physically I felt my heart crumble to pieces so much that I honestly thought It was going to kill me. Yes, the thoughts of living without Sophia was beyond difficult too, to reimagine a life without her but the physical feeling of your heart crumbling is something else that I've never experienced.
Part of me advocating babyloss awareness is so that when others go through this they'll know they're not alone. I wish people knew the confidence it takes to continue to talk openly about my loss, that I speak for future bereaved parents and not because I'm "obviously struggling."
I wish people knew that while I wish every pregnant woman well, a part of me worries and prepares to be the supporter for if they lose that pregnancy.
I wish people knew that every joyous moment in life is filled with the bittersweetness of not having Sophia with us.
I wish people knew that when you lose a baby, your family can never be complete because people refuse to recognise the baby you've lost.
I wish people would be more open to being uncomfortable so that one day their can be comfort in talking to parents about their children.
I wish people knew how often I wish my little girl was here. How I watch my rainbow thrive and wish he could have his big sister to play with. How I think of a future where he may cry because his big sister is in heaven while other friends have their siblings by their sides.
So it's fair to say I've learned a lot and I wish for a lot. Through it all, I keep smiling for Sophia and the blessings she's brought my way.
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