There are rare moments that seem to happen in life, moments that make a horrible day more bearable. I wasn't sure how I'd cope with work but I've been doing it. At times yes I've come close to tears as I still face the occasional "how's the baby?" and let's face it I still think about Sophia twenty four seven.
Even recently a parent asked me if I had any children myself. Immediately I said no, because how am I supposed to tell someone bringing their child to our services for mental health issues that I've lost my child? But with saying no, came feelings of guilt. Guilt for not being able to say I had a beautiful daughter the way I would've proudly said if she had lived. Guilt that definitely stems from the sadness I feel because it'll always be unfair that Sophia didn't get a chance to live. But I just breathe, recognise the emotion and allow myself to feel.
But aside from those moments that cause a lumpy throat and water filling eyes, there are magic moments. Moments where I can't help but smile, feel pride take over and warmth only felt because I love Sophia and talking about her. In the whole of 7 months, no one has ever asked me to see a photo of Sophia. I sort of just show people because I know they won't ask. But in work, a colleague asked me did I have any photos of her and could she seem them. You can imagine my heart just lifting because she showed interest in knowing that my Sophia did exist. These are moments that make the pain more bearable, moments that bring Sophia into the present.
Another day another colleague asked me about my labour and delivery story. I happily told them because again it's talking about Sophia. You can imagine my beaming smile as I had the chance.
These are short, rare moments. Moments I wish I had more of, they are moments that have a positive impact on me. They are moments that remind me of the positives of having Sophia, for being Sophia's mummy. They are reminders as to why I smile for Sophia, reminders for everyone that I will always smile for her.
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