I'm not sure how I will get through this mother's day, avoid social media for the day is probably high up there. You see last mother's day I imagined my little Sophia being here. My first "mama to be" day, I called it, and then just one day later she passed away. In a blink of an eye, everything I had imagined was taken from me.
I know I'm still a mother, but I still feel lost in society because my motherhood is different. The reality is I am a mother to my little girl in heaven but I'm also a mother to my little boy who is swirling around inside of me.
I think what hurts the most is knowing I can never hear Sophia call me mum or get mother's day gifts from her. It makes me feel even more grateful for my little boy who I dream of hearing say mum over and over again until I feel irritated like every mother who exists.
Just as Sophia still existed, I am still a mother. I will focus on celebrating her and little bump this mother's day. A gentle, relaxing mother's day is probably what I will need. Movies, relaxation and making keepsakes and memories, knowing that I am a mother.
Expecting my rainbow has been a difficult journey, part of it has been facing the fact that there is no place that I truly fit in society. Antenatal classes for first-time mums or refresher only classes. I never got to attend my classes because Sophia passed away before them. First-time mum posters everywhere and you know that you've had your first baby but you've never mothered a living child so you don't want to call yourself a first time mum but you know that most of society will recognise you as that.
To any mammy who feels in limbo like me, not having a place where society will openly recognise you as a mother I want to remind you that you don't need other people to recognise you as one, you are one and as long as you remain kind to yourself and celebrate you then you don't need anything else, but I know we will always wish we could just hear them call us mum.
This mother's day is also the first grandmother's day for both my mum and Dan's mum. So I want to let them know that they will always be Sophia's nanny and nana. They also have a little grandson to be celebrating this mother's day. On top of that I want them to know that they are amazing mother's and we would be completely lost without them. My own mother in particular has not had an easy life but thanks to her guidance I know that's where a lot of my own strength and resilience comes from.
I'm also thinking of my own grandmother, Sophia's great grandmother who lost her son also in 2020. No matter what age you lose your child it is painful so I know this mother's day will be hard. Our family are very caring though and I also know that while the day will be hard your other children will give you all the love and care needed. My uncle will be missed, that pain cannot be taken away the same way as the pain I feel with Sophia can never be taken away but I know the love of my grandmothers other children will make it a gentler, kinder day.
Every mother's day, I think of my cousins in Galway who lost their mum. I've said I can't imagine what it is like and I wish none of us would ever have to know what it feels like to lose your mum, but if it is anything like losing your child then I know how hard mother's day can be and I will be sending love their way.
So, I'm wishing a happy, gentle mother's day to those who have lost their child, to those who have lost grandchildren, to those who have lost their mother as I know how deep this connection goes.
I smile this mother's day for my babies, I smile ultimately for me. A strong, courageous mama who doesn't have a place in society right now but a mama who loves her babies unconditionally and who dreams of the day she can be irritated by hearing mum said several times in a row. Keep Smiling and have a gentle day.
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