Motherhood..

I remember becoming a mother three years ago and feeling like I couldn't call myself a mother despite having given birth to my beautiful girl because physically she wasn't here.

Quite frankly comments like "one day you'll be a mum" and "it wasn't meant to be" made my identity as a mother feel unseen.

I wanted nothing more than to be recognised as a mother. I yearned for it and as Sophia made me proud, I became quite loud, this blog is a result of that.

Loud about the stigma, loud about how people would say things that took away my identity as a mother. Leaving me with this unknown identity, leaving me more lost than I needed to be.

Was I mother or not.. Did I really give birth? Doesn't that make me a mother? But how do I mother my dead child.. My thoughts raced so much as I tried to figure out what life now meant to me as a childless mother..

What does make a person a mother if it's not creating a life and bringing it into the world?

I couldn't understand how society could take my identity as a mother away from me just because my child had died.

When my rainbow baby arrived one year later I truly embraced motherhood, my gratitude extended, my grief evolved with that gratitude. I saw things I missed out on with Sophia, things that while being grateful to do with my rainbow, an element of sadness for not having the same chance with Sophia existed too.

But having my rainbow has solidified that I did become a mother three years ago despite losing Sophia.

While I've always been loud about my identity as a mother since her, it was a mental battle at times!

Here's some very similar things I've found through mothering Sophia and my rainbow.

Since my rainbow I've had countless sleepless nights, nights of him teething, other nights when he's been unwell or just going through a regression.

While others often say children make you lose sleep.

A joke we often hear other parents say is "wait until you've had kids then you'll know what tired is!" This was said to me during my rainbow pregnancy and I remember thinking I'd much prefer to feel tired waking up to my child than what I've been through after losing a child.

I couldn't wait for sleepless nights where I could hold and feed my child because I knew there would be healing in that experience. Of course as times gone by I've felt groggy and cranky from sleep deprivation, we're human, it happens.

But there's always an element of gratitude that I get to experience this with him even if I'm a bit irritable from it and when people have said "welcome to parenthood" when I've spoke about feeling tired, I've been quite honest by saying I'd much prefer being sleep deprived and have my child here than sleep deprived because my heart broke and I didn't have Sophia to hold.

During my loss with Sophia I had countless sleepless nights, nights I yearned for my baby. Nights I'd cry until I fell asleep. Nights I didn't want to sleep because I'd have to wake up to the pain all over again. Babyloss is extremely painful and just like mothering a living child it comes with sleep deprivation.

When I lost Sophia I also had appetite changes, I remember so many people complementing me for losing weight... And then I'd tell them it wasn't done on purpose, I just haven't had a great appetite since losing Sophia and at times I genuinely would forget to eat.

In a similar way my appetite changed after having Samson, as I combi fed and pumped, I'd constantly be eating foods to keep my milk supply up and as a result I did gain a hell of a lot of weight, which again people have commented on. But you know what, it's motherhood, your weight can fluctuate. It's life and regardless I'm proud of my body for creating life.

I get to do so much with my rainbow, buying him clothes, taking him out on walks, seeing him smile. Some of these things as a mother I can only dream about Sophia doing. But similarly again with Sophia I buy her things, it could be a simple butterfly, fairy ornament or unicorn. If I see something that makes me think of her I buy it and it goes on her grave or in her glass press.

I care for her by tidying her grave and keeping her memory alive. I mother her the only way I can and while some see it as a waste of money, I see it as an opportunity to be her mother.

So I guess this post is for any mother waiting on their rainbow who feel their identity is lost, that they want to call themselves a mother but society makes it so unbelievably hard and trust me I know because after I had Samson I heard so many stupid comments like "isn't it great to finally be a mother", and these were said by people who knew I had Sophia.. <insert massive face-palm here!!>

So I'm here to tell you that you are a mother, I see all you do for your little one and as a mama who now has her rainbow I can see more than I saw at the beginning of my loss journey.

In moments you may feel lost, just remember to be a bereaved mother means you are a mother. No one can take that identity away from you. I know it's draining when all you want is to be recognised and for you little ones life to be seen, but I see you and I see the little one who made you a mother.