Just over nine months ago I gave birth to Sophia. While I wonder where the time has gone, the memories are still fresh as if it was only yesterday she laid in my arms silently but beautifully.
When I look back to this time last year, I was a different person. Naive, not knowing what pain losing your child really brings to you. In January last year, we had our engagement party. We danced while Sophia was kicking in my tummy and Weeknd's "blinding lights" comes to mind as that was a song that really got her kicking!
Then tragedy struck in February, where the unimaginable happened and we lost uncle Michael which still to this day feels too surreal. At the time Sophia was healthy, all scans were perfect. She had a good heartbeat but there was high stress as my parents flew to America to be with my aunty who was in critical condition. You hear of house fires happening but you always think it won't be your family that's affected. At the time I didn't think anything more surreal could happen until we lost Sophia one month later in March.
I can still feel the pain and just remember the days spent crying, asking Dan how I'm meant to survive the heartbreak I was feeling which he'd always reply he "doesn't know but together we will get through it." I look back through these nine months and I see how far we've come. While tears still flow and people speak less to me about Sophia I'm learning about the new me, a different me, a better me.
This new me understands how deep grief can go. This new me holds onto my rainbow baby bump telling them to listen to my heart beating next to theirs. This new me understands the deepest pain and purest love.
This new me continues to put one foot in front of the other no matter how hard it can be. This new me is strong.
Nine months ago many people called me strong. But at that time I was doing what any mother does, they enjoy their child being in their arms even if their little life was gone. We still let those lovely emotions of pride and love sink in. But now, nine months later while still wishing for my baby to be here, I can say I'm strong.
They say time is a healer, but I believe healing is in the feeling and that we don't heal with time, we just cope better. I'm living with the pain that comes with this loss. I've fully absorbed all negative and positive emotions and I know that's what has gotten me this far. Most importantly I'm kind to myself always. Something many of us can't say, this time last year I definitely couldn't say that but now I can.
My loss journey continues, with this rainbow journey adding some hope along the way. I'm still learning about the new me and while I do, I notice all the positive changes in me. So I'll smile for Sophia and my little rainbow. Be kind not just to others but to yourself too.
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