Every October I'm the happiest version of me! October is my birth month so I've always celebrated the whole month of October because I'm an advocate for celebrating your birthday! Am I the only one that does that? My birthday is the 23rd, so once that arrives It's literally the start of my favourite time of year, halloween and the lead up to Christmas. But this year it's different. Behind my smile there's a shadow of sadness. On the 23rd of this month it's not just my birthday but it's also 7 months that Sophia passed away. Funnily enough October is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
But I know Sophia wouldn't want me to wallow in sadness so I've come up with things that are actually boosting my mood. I don't have a little pumpkin to dress up this year as I had envisioned but I'm bringing Halloween to my princess. I'm decorating her forever bed, making it playful not scary!
I've a lot of October things planned with completing VHI Virtual Mini Marathon for the butterfly garden and spoiler alert we are in the middle of planning another fundraiser for the end of the month (COVID friendly!) These little things are making it easier to get through the days. Baby loss awareness day the 15th October is when "Wave of Light" a global event takes place. I've already got my parents on board with lighting up the bed and breakfast pink and blue, so now Mayo has two locations! I've been on to two seperate councillors regarding lighting up both Swinford and Castlebar, still waiting to hear back but I'll hold onto hope! Although if you've read my previous blogs you'll know Mayo Co Council has a way of disappointing people!
Unfortunately though I also go back to work this month, and I am bricking it! I think it's because I'm scared of crying or getting upset. I'm a huge advocate for feeling what you feel and letting yourself heal, but working in a mental health facility, you know, I need to leave my stuff at home. I know initially it will be hard but I'm going to try brave it and the reality is if I can't deal with work I'll have to take myself back out! A lot of people have told me they didn't go back until after a year, others said they went back sooner and regretted it, so it's quite daunting! I think also because I know my colleagues will think I'll be the same person but I'm different, I've been through the worst kind of pain. My attitude towards life has changed, I've changed. I'm back to work on the 16th which means I'll be in work on my birthday and Sophia's 7 month. I think this will be the most difficult day but I'll come up with a way to celebrate! (Don't I always!)
For now I'll focus on this moment, doing the VHIWMM and staying in the present. Instead of dreading the future, I'm going to try embrace day to day while always smiling for Sophia. I'm also dressing fur baby Gurgi up as a Bat this Halloween and I know if Sophia was here she'd have a good giggle!!
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