It's weird, I remember losing Sophia and deciding I would just take 6 months off. I remember telling myself what's the point since I don't have a baby to care for, but I never realised how hard it would be to return.
I went back to work 16th October, it was a Friday which I was delighted with because it meant I had the weekend to get my head around things after. While walking in on that day memories of being pregnant in work flooded back to me, the realisation that last time I worked I was 7 months pregnant with a healthy baby. That Sunday 18th I just cried the night before Monday. I wondered was I truly ready to return? Does anyone know when they are ready to return? I mean I have lost my child so I'm a different person and I guess I was scared of people wishing for me to be the same Stephanie when I don't even remember what she was like.
So here's a rundown of my first week back to work. From 19th October to the 23rd, yep I worked on my birthday! I walked in on Monday where I was greeted by other staff in the hospital, sorrowful eyes but welcoming smiles. While walking down to my unit I was stopped, the happiest smile and then the question "How's the baby?" happens. I immediately tell them what had happened, I hold back tears and feel a lump in my throat. I watch as their beaming smile turns into a horrified frown. I tell them Sophia was perfect though and beautiful because again I yearn for someone to say congratulations on having a baby. Then I just walk away, I held back tears and a lump in my throat formed. Next thing I'm in the staff room and I just cry. Memories of all I had lost comes back but I tell myself to cry, let it out and try to get on with my day. After this, I'm asked "How's the baby?" on two seperate occasions during the week, each time I feel a lump, but I don't cry and I feel more confident and strong in telling them about Sophia. But overall I managed, I managed to think about Sophia but continue with my work. I managed and so far managing is all I am looking for. I spoke with my manager this week as regrets of not gradually returning to work entered my mind. My body has been so exhausted and to be honest, I haven't felt like the old me in work. But again, I wonder will I ever actually be the old me in work again? I don't think I will since I literally feel reborn since losing Sophia. Perhaps it's part of becoming a mother.
But there was a day that truly stands out to me where other hospital staff spoke to me about Sophia and all the positive things that Sophia has brought to me. I also got this really cute welcoming back gift. A mug with S on it. When I first got it I thought S could stand for me but it also stands for Sophia. What it made it more special is while I was thinking this, the person admitted they had bought the mug because of that and yes my heart did melt. Everyone knows I only started drinking tea once I had Sophia. The midwives pumped tea into me to calm my nerves and I haven't looked back since!
Then there was my birthday at work, I dreaded it and I also nearly forgot it! When I went in to work on the 16th I realised it was my birthday the following Friday. Maybe because I had been dreading it, my mind tried to forget it? I've always been someone who tells everyone that birthdays are so important because they celebrate the day you were brought into the world. But for me, this birthday was hard because during my pregnancy with Sophia I remember telling Dan that our next birthdays we'd be caring for our baby, it'd never be the same as our old birthdays. I guess It was just another reminder of what we've lost and I didn't want to face it again. But thankfully I think I had more support and love this birthday than I've had since my 21st, six years ago. Cards were posted, work went above and beyond with a present, cake and a card. As well as that a fantastic friend came over, (It's okay I'm her bubble for COVID). Dan and her decorated the house with balloons and banners, cakes and gifts. We got a Chinese and yes we watched Hocus Pocas because I still love Disney no matter how hard it is sometimes since I had dreamed of sharing all my love for Disney with Sophia. But as I said to my mum the other day, In a way we got a Disney princess, we have our own sleeping beauty.
The birthday I dreaded turned out to be a special day, a day that reminded me of all the support I have. All the lives that my life has touched. Even some mammies wrote Happy Birthday to Sophia's mammy and it was beautiful because the people who spoke to me about Sophia on my birthday brought her into the present, they brought her here on my birthday through memory. As everyone should know by now when I smile, I smile for Sophia.
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