I used to sing "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" to Sophia while pregnant and when we lost her those lyrics hit differently, "Please don't take my sunshine away". Even now, eight months on when I hear or think of these lyrics tears come to my eyes.
A reminder that there are triggers in so many things, but this trigger I feel isn't a bad one. It's a happy memory where I sang to Sophia, it's just sad that those lyrics came true. After losing Sophia I remember the first time hearing the concept of a rainbow baby and angrily saying Sophia was not a storm! I guess because she really was my sunshine. But I've come to learn the storm was losing Sophia, my precious beautiful girl. The storm was endless tears cried while longing to hold her one more time. Tears cried because there is no love like the love for your child.
But It's become normal for me to have weekly tears, to others they may think it's not normal but how could it not be when I have lost my little girl after all! I've come to accept that these tears are okay, that this hurt I feel at times and the anger that comes with it is okay. I've come to learn there is no way to take this pain away and to be honest I'm content in my grief. I'm content in crying and not judging myself. I'm content in missing Sophia because I will always miss her as long as I love her. As I began to feel content we began to learn our rainbow was forming.
While I still cry for Sophia, I also smile for her because she's gifted us our little rainbow baby. As I've been telling people I'm expecting again, I'm reminded that people don't always know the right thing to say. Things like "if that baby is meant to be it will be", my immediate urge is to remind them that Sophia existed and this baby already does exist! Two hearts are beating inside my body, and this baby just like Sophia is unique in every way. A lot of people reassure me I'll be seen every 4 weeks, more scans then I had for Sophia but as I've pointed out to so many people I had a clear good scan, I was told Sophia had such a strong heart and just over one week later she passed away. I don't have faith in scans, how am I supposed to? So instead I have faith in myself, in my ability to remind myself that this baby will come into the world. I remind myself that I can't control the future or what can happen but I can control enjoying this pregnancy. Buying things for baby, making things for the baby, taking bump photos because this baby exists! I think Sophia would also want me to do this for her little sibling!
So our rainbow is forming and I'm anxious as hell!! But isn't that normal when the only experience I have in pregnancy is loss and the pain that comes with it! I let myself feel anxious and then I remind myself this baby just like Sophia will bring me so much love! So as our rainbow baby forms I sing them "somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."
Our rainbow baby due 26 May 2021.
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