I've had two pregnancies, neither reaching full term. Both "rare" incidents or so the doctors have said. Sophia born still at 28 weeks and 5 days and Samson born strong at 31 weeks and 2 days.
On 25th March I packed up my clothes as the nurses told me I'd be discharged from hospital. As I was ready to go the nurse decided to check my vitals one last time where we found once again my temperature had spiked. I go back on the tracer to monitor our baby boys heart rate and I cry because they had said it was more than likely a viral infection but now they've told me they still don't know what is causing this.
I think to myself, Sophia wants me to stay in hospital. There is something wrong and she's trying to help her brother so I calm myself down and let my family members know we won't get to Mayo for our girls first birthday on Friday 26th March.
Dan drops my laptop off to reception in the hospital and I put together a memorial video. My way of tributing to my girl while I'm in hospital but my temperature becomes so bad that I don't have the energy to post it. Thursday night into Friday morning my temperature continuously spikes, IV paracetamol is the only thing that brings it down but by Friday morning I've used all the IV paracetamol that you can use in twenty-four hours. The nurses run into an issue and doctors consider administering IV Ibruprofen, something they don't administer to pregnant women as it can reduce the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. I get seen by a second doctor and they decide to administer one dose of Ibuprofen. They also tell the nurses to administer ice-cold bed baths and freezing showers to help my temperature go down. While shivering with chills they place the ice-cold towels on me and I tell my little boy everything uncomfortable that I've had to go through will be worth it because he is worth it.
Meanwhile, my family celebrate Sophia's birthday in Mayo sending me photos and friends sending videos singing happy birthday to her and placing balloons and flowers at her grave. So much love for my little girl and I know she felt that love. Her nanny making her a flower cake, the balloons and badges placed up with her. All the birthday presents we got her that my parents were able to place up with her. My heart was full and though I was saddened I couldn't be there, I knew Sophia was sending me a sign I needed to be in the hospital.
Eventually, my temperature comes down and as it's Sophia's birthday the nurse tells me that Dan can come in. At a quarter to three, the chaplain joins me and Dan in the room and holds a memorial service for Sophia. " I think we dream so we don't have to be apart for so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time." A quote by A. A Milne (the writer of Winnie The Pooh) written on the back of Sophia's memorial leaflet. As I see it, I feel a closeness to her. A sign that she is with me, the significance being Winnie The Pooh always reminds me of her and out of all the quotes, that's the one they used.
The chaplain leaves and I and Dan have five minutes with each other before three doctors walk in to tell us that we will be delivering the baby in the next hour. I was diagnosed with listeria. To treat me they need to deliver baby, but also listeria infection can be fatal to the fetus. I immediately cry, how unlucky could I be. What on earth did I eat to do this? The doctor sits next to me on the bed, reassuring me that not everything can be prevented and the best thing for me and the baby is to deliver. He reassures me how I had the steroid injections for his lungs Monday and Tuesday that week in case this was to happen and that they would administer magnesium for his brain development before he is delivered.
As the doctor gets up to leave I look at Dan and I say he'll have the same birthday as Sophia and we both just nervously laugh because the situation it is absolutely terrifying. The nurses in awe as he will share his birthday with his sister. The nurse explains that Dan could be with me and that I would be given an injection in my spine to be awake for the procedure. Next thing the anaesthetist comes in and explains I will have to be put under general anaesthetic as if they inject my spine the infection could spread to my brain, Dan could no longer be with me in theatre.
The nurse apologises as she can see the fear in my face but I breathe and tell myself it will be okay, my baby will be okay. While they've administered IV magnesium and inserted the catheter they finally give me and Dan space which was supposed to be for five minutes to ring family but we get about two minutes and the next thing I'm in the wheelchair kissing him goodbye. I tell him to ring my parents as I couldn't go into major surgery without them knowing. On the way I'm terrified but I tell myself my little boy will be okay and so will I.
As I enter theatre there are several faces, some I recognise from the week but others new. I'm lying down, mask placed over my face, pressure on the jaw and the next thing I wake up in a familiar place. HDU where I spent Monday night. As I wake I hear the nurse saying get her partner. Next thing Dan is next to me and I immediately drowsily ask how our boy is, he shows me photographs and I say Worth It.
Although I'm saddened that I can't see or hold my baby boy, knowing that he was doing good was all I needed to get through that night. In my head I say thank you to Sophia for gifting us our beautiful boy on her birthday. The following day while I'm eager to see my boy I'm seen by doctors and microbiologists where I learn that I had developed septicemia caused by listeria. They explain that it is "rare" and that they haven't seen a case in years, or a case as bad as mine since 2009. I feel extremely unlucky again, "Rare" the same word given to us for what happened to Sophia. How unlucky could I be to have two pregnancies be cut short due to something "rare". Then she tells me that while it is rare most cases end with mother, baby or both dying.
Tests were done on Samson, he was not infected. The luckiness I finally feel while feeling unlucky. Again, I feel Sophia helped us. It has been nearly four weeks since Samson was born and since then I have met several doctors all saying the same thing that it is extremely rare to have a positive outcome like we've had. Some doctors adding that his big sister worked her magic and will forever have the connection of their birthdays together.
Samson remains in hospital but he has graduated from NICU and HDU, he is now in SCBU and one step away from coming home. Through it all, I notice I do always smile. Even if it's a nervous smile, my face automatically does it and how could I not when even in the darkest times there is love and now hope. I smile for Sophia and for Samson, our warrior rainbow baby.
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