I sit there anxiously waiting with a knot in my stomach. I remind myself that baby is doing good and I try to feel excited about getting to see you. Sitting socially distanced in the waiting room another lady asks me "is it your first?" which I tell her "no, I had a baby girl but she was born still." Immediately my anxiety worsens as I wonder did I make her feel anxious. If I did it was not my intention.
She kindly tells me that she's expecting her second too and that her nephew was born still. She praised me for being open and wished me all the best with this little one. She then asked me what my daughters name was, which you can imagine only made me smile. The next question however was what exactly happened with Sophia? so I tell her, but as I see the fear on her face I remind her what happened to Sophia is very rare. She apologises again for my loss. Then I'm called in for the scan.
Part of me wants to look away and wait for them to tell me baby is okay but instead I brace myself reminding myself that your heart will be beating and it does. Every time I have a scan this anxiety rushes over me but I'm getting better at reminding myself that this is a different pregnancy and telling myself to be excited to see your little heart beat. Every time I smile and every time I can finally breathe.
This was the start of my pregnancy anxiety with this little boy I have blossoming inside of me. The doctors had warned us that future pregnancies would be anxiety-provoking, reduce all other stressors they said and they were right!
I didn't think I'd start to feel really anxious until 28 weeks as it was 28 weeks when I lost Sophia but good aul anxiety crept in at 18 weeks. A thought I had was "10 weeks left. what if that's all I have left with you." I've been getting better at positive reframing so I always remind myself that I can control what I do now, so despite that fear I was able to function quite well. I'm able to remind myself this pregnancy is different and to stop worrying and to enjoy little man's kicks and flutters! It's incredibly hard work though to try to keep yourself positive while also working as a mental health nurse listening to other people's issues and then with the covid 19 cases rising the way they did, what did I expect really. My anxiety went through the roof. So as I'm 20 weeks I took myself out of work. A decision I didn't make lightly, and I wondered if it was the right one but hearing my GP, specialist midwife and doctor tell me it was the best decision made me feel better.
I worried about coming out too early. Then when I had made the decision some people were saying things like "oh but work might be a good distraction" and they'd nearly have me convinced until I really sit down and think about it. People don't really understand what I do as a mental health nurse. I'll give two examples of part of my job and I'll emphasise part because us nurses do a hell of a lot! I meet with the parents of teenagers to help them deal with concerns about losing their child (if suicidal) or advise and help them to manage their child's mental health difficulties. I also meet with their child individually to work on mental health difficulties like anxiety, self-harm, suicide ideations to name a few. Now while my inner nurse criticises me taking time off work, the better nurse in me knows I cannot be the best for my patients if I'm not the best in myself! Listening to my doctors backing my decision helped me to stop my inner nurse guilt. My baby and me are the priority right now.
So as I'm off, for the time being, I plan to get back to blogging, cook more, bake more, get back into my drawing and artwork. I plan to learn crochet, take Gurgi out for his walkies daily. All things that I know will be beneficial for my mental health and for this little man.
While waiting to be blessed with our rainbow baby everyone would say "you'll have others." and now that we are blessed people are happy for us. Don't get me wrong, we are excited, happy and hopeful but we are also anxious and fearful. No one realises the fear and anxiety while on this journey. Part of me wants to hide away for nine months, close my eyes and wake up to a crying baby. That's all I want, I just want to hear him cry in my arms! Whenever I try to explain that to people though I've had a few people suggest counselling which I remind you again, this anxiety is very normal in pregnancy after loss. If I end up locking myself up in the house not functioning then yes I will seek help but right now I just need people to allow me to vent without judgement. I'm starting to learn who the good listeners are and who really just don't give a hoot.
I'm standing by my decisions for this little one, I'm working on myself again. I'm reminding myself that this is a different pregnancy, I envision my little boy in a dinosaur outfit wiggling in my arms one day and when he kicks I tell him I love him too. For now, that's all I can do. Embrace this fear with the excitement I feel too. Equally, balance those negatives with the positive and before we know it this little man will be here crying in my arms and I'll surely cry with him because my dream will come true.
I smile for my Sophia and her little brother (a definite future footballer by the kicks I'm getting!!) I smile for me, for listening to myself instead of others. I recommend everyone to trust themselves more.
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