Chasing time. I feel like since Sophia entered my life I have constantly chased time. October, I don't even know where that month went, It went so quick!
I launched Smiling4Sophia & Co. for Sophia's 18th month anniversary, but I've not engaged much in posting on the page because of the overwhelming month that is October. Between it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, my birthday and Halloween, there are so many anticipatory emotions in the lead-up to these events for me and the grief hangover afterwards is very real.
So I decided to not be a hypocrite. I was near mental burnout and needed some self-care before I could really get into the action with my small business. I spent time creating a Halloween pumpkin flower display for Sophia's forever bed, it was my time to reconnect with her and then I went off to Dublin for two weeks for some time with my little family and time for me, for self-care. I'm also writing this blog which is huge since I haven't sat down to do this in months and from day one this blog was my coping strategy to maintain good mental health. It's been hard to sit down and find time to do this but I've got to start looking after myself better because I'll be the best version of me for others if I do.
My birthday was a bittersweet event, while my fiancé's brother arrived back in Ireland. ( our first time seeing him since 2019!!) The excitement of seeing him and watching him meet Samson and Gurgi was lovely but It was still a bittersweet occasion because Sophia is missing. With every joyful event there is that moment. How do you describe those moments? The moment where time freezes for a brief second as your mind drifts off to what should have been.
My birthday aside, Halloween was also another difficult time, maybe because I imagine what Sophia could've dressed up as, but I think as well as it was Samson's first Halloween and I didn't want my grief to take away from that.
We dressed Samson up as spiderman, while part of me thought he should probably be a pumpkin (like every other newborn), I realised by dressing him up as Spiderman, it allowed Sophia to remain our little pumpkin. Samson is my hero, he'll always be mama's hero so for one day my little batman dressed up as spiderman. We'll see when he's older who he prefers himself! But despite all my overthinking and balancing this life after loss it was fitting to make Sophia and her brother individuals like they would be if she was here.
I'm starting to realise that life after loss will always be bittersweet. I'm also realising I will never actually catch up with the time I lost due to my grief and that there will be moments in life that will be emotionally draining, in these moments I will look to kindness to myself and ask the mental health nurse in me for advice.
Anyways, "life goes on" as they say, and how very true that is when time seems to be going full steam ahead. I look forward to sharing all my Christmas creations with you all through my smiling4sophia page this coming month. You'll have to wait until next Halloween for the one's that didn't get published this Halloween.
Trust me, despite that heavy month, I'm still smiling for Sophia and for myself too for recognising I needed some self care.
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