The other night as I laid there holding my rainbow baby my heart filled with gratitude and as my heart filled so did my eyes. Tears began streaming down my face, Dan took one look at me and said "is it Sophia?" and I just nodded and he held me while I held our rainbow.
You see 1 year ago Tuesday, we brought our rainbow baby home at just 35 weeks gestation. He didn't fit in the car seat, he was so small that the midwives helped us pack nappies and muslin cloths behind him so that he would be safe journeying home with us.
When I think back to this time last year I realise how much fear and anxiety I really had.
To the world it was great, we had our rainbow baby and we could go home but to me it wasn't how I wished for him to come into the world and with all the excitement I felt, also came great fear. I was so terrified of something else going wrong, we had been so unlucky over the past two years how could I not think like that. Our world was filled with more trauma and while some people said to us that life had been very dramatic for us (I seriously wanted to slap these people) I knew we'd been through trauma, not drama and it'll take time to process everything we have gone through.
In the early days that Sam was home. We would look at ways of preventing SIDS, and we thought of every possible thing that might go wrong. But with each milestone Samson reached I felt a breathe of fresh air and the realisation that "hey, we are doing okay, our boy is still here. Maybe our luck has changed. " I remember realising I needed to do some self work on catastrophic thinking because I was googling way too much and we all know never to Google!!!
Pregnancy after loss is an emotional battle being an extremely anxious time but parenting after loss is just as bad with anxiety. For me, I've noticed my anxiety lessening the more milestones that Samson reaches. With lessened anxiety I've found more space for gratitude. And yes, with every bit of gratitude comes waves of grief because being greatful also means moments of thanking Sophia and wishing she could be here with her brother.
I know there are people who don't like the idea of crying and some people will feel sad that I cried but that's why I like to remind people that I let myself cry because it's therapeutic for me. I searched for those tears for a whole month, they're an important part of my healing when they come and I trust in the natural process of grief.
While they may be sad tears because I miss Sophia, they are for the most part proud tears because I'm greatful to have Samson and I'm greatful that I had Sophia. I miss Sophia on a daily basis, I don't always cry. These days the tears really only come when I feel that deep sense of gratitude and I know it's because with gratitude comes grief, with grief will always come gratitude. But lately, gratitude conquers all.
If death teaches us anything it's that we have so much to be greatful for. To have a life itself, is something to be greatful for. Not everyone is lucky to have a life, Sophia was never given that chance like I, or her brother was, so that's the magic I've found behind grief, how lucky we are to be living a life.
So if you can do anything for yourself today, regardless of where you are or what you have in life just take a moment to appreciate the fact that you are here, you have been given a life. It's something we often take for granted.
"the highest tribute to the dead is not grief, but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder
"One day you'll wake up and you'll realise the power of gratitude as it begins to exceed your grief." - Steffi
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